Honesty moment: The season I have been in has been on the brink of incredible. And by brink, I mean, that I am on the edge of something actually happening. Nothing has fallen into place just yet, but it's like when you line up a whole bunch of dominos so that you can knock them all over with the push of just the first one. I feel like that first domino is teetering right now. It's about to just go and go nuts. But in the waiting and the silence and the darkness of not knowing what I am about to encounter or where I am headed, there has been a lot of frustration. It hasn't been attacks on my identity but a lot of asking "Why?" or "What am I doing?" or "Where am I going?" And the answer I keep coming up with is "I don't know." But the thing is, all I keep hearing Abba say is "Just wait."
His response comes with a playfully mischievious grin too. Excited. Joyful. Anticipatory. Like when you have the perfect gift for somebody you really love and are about to unveil it. Like a child who gets a bike on Christmas morning. Let's be real - you can't wrap a bike very well, so it comes with an unveiling - a sheet, a rolling out from behind a piece of furniture or a wall. But it's that moment just before the gift is given that the parents smile at one another and then at the child and say, "You know, I think there is one more present for you. Let me look." They know all along what is coming; they have been planning this moment; and they cannot wait to see the joy pour out of the child - the shrieks, the laughter, the smiles, the boasting about how great it is, the joyful tears in the parents eyes (or those who are older and really touched by a special gift, which is part of what I feel is in store in this gift Abba has for me), etc... So here I am, sitting at the end of a season, unsure of what is next for me. Content but not ecstatic. Waiting. I feel like Abba has just recently (as in beginning of May) looked at me and showed me that He has something for me. So now I am the child in the moments between being told there is something for them and the moment of the unveiling. The anticipation and build up is unbearable. And well, something you may or may not know about me is that I am curious. Really curious. About most things. And another thing about me is that I don't sit still well. At all. As a kid, if we ever sat in the main service with my parents, we would sit as a family in the balcony so as to not distract everyone and because I was endearingly, of course, called a wiggle worm. All the time. Sitting still, not moving, without direction. It isn't something I do well. And in that, my posts have been few and far between because well, if I don't even know really what is going on in my life, what the heck do I have to write about?
The past few days, I have felt a press to write. And each time I have considered it, I have found that where my thoughts end, there are no words for a page. So I have put it off. Today, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me. As I responded that I didn't even know that I had anything to share, the Spirit encouraged, "Just write. The words will come." So that's what I'm doing. The first paragraph of this whole thing came out of the blue. I opened up the page and said, "What do I have to say? You're saying nothing at all." My mind rushed to the Allison Krauss song, "When You Say Nothing At All." So I ran with that train of thought, and voila! That paragraph, which is some of the best truth I have realized over the last couple months little nugget at a time all consolidated into one stream of thought. The picture has just come to me of the child waiting for their most exciting of unveilings. So if for no other reason, this post is for my own understanding - to see the words on the page of the season I am in when prior to this, I just sat in the frustration of having no clue at all. Thankfulness has stayed on my lips. Worship has stayed on my heart. Hunger has stayed in my soul. Obedience has stayed in my actions. Wisdom has stayed in my mind. But frustration has brewed feeling like this season will never end or feeling like I am being forced to sit on my hands, silently, waiting for my turn to talk and to share my story. And let me tell you, I've never been very good at that either. I've gotten better over the years, or at least I have learned coping mechanisms to handle it better. You can ask my mom; she'll confirm how difficult this sort of thing is for me.
In all of this, though, the Lord is faithful and always provides. He dreams better than I do and desires the desires and dreams of my heart more than I do. So who better to trust than the one who not only wants more for me than I do and is the only one who can make it happen. I guess that's all I have to say about that, and I hope that somewhere this could have been encouraging to you. I still declare in the midst of darkness and no direction that He is good. It's in these moments where I learn my own heart more and learn to press into Him more.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
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If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
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If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
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even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
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If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
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even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you."
~ Psalm 139:7-12
I could quote so much more of this. It has continued to wreck me during this season. Each individual verse. It's how much more He knows and does and how good He is. No matter how distant or dark I feel like my life is, He is with me and loving me and healing me and brightening my day. My circumstances are of no difficulty to Him, but He wants me to partner with Him in them and He knows how I need to be loved and encouraged and motivated so much better than I ever will. Gah! He is good. Always. Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday. And for eternity. Hallelujah! Amen.
