Everyone Has A Story.

When people ask me to dream, I tell them that my dream is to just love people. And I understand that that doesn't sound like much of a career. Nobody really pays for me to go around and hug people better. But I love people. And that's my dream.

I might could end my post right there, but I'll extrapolate. I love each person individually. (Perhaps not always as much as I should when driving down the road, and they make poor driving maneuvers, but as people and not drivers, I love them.) I love that each person has their own story to tell. From big to little and little to big, each person has a story. What makes me so sad is that most people don't believe in their own story because it isn't the flashy story that lands someone on the front page of magazine. But the truth is, each person's story really could be.

I have had the chance to meet and foster relationships with people from literally all walks of life - from the creme de la creme of society, to people who can't buy food for their family, from young social entrepreneurs, to elderly folks who have retired, from 'Muricans to people who left their country in a hurry and were plunged into American society to folks in other countries whose culture I want to better understand. I love how different each person's story is, but I also love that what ties every single story together is the value of that person as a person and the LOVE that marinades their story. Every person on this earth has basic desires: to be loved fully and unconditionally and to love another(s). Every single person. At the root of all motivation, there is a basis in love - the need for it, the neglect of it, the pursuit of it, the manifestation of it. People are people. Each person has worth and value and needs and love. And each person's story is worth listening to and telling.

I had the extraordinary privilege of sitting down with a young, motivated visionary yesterday and hearing parts of his story. But in his story, I was listening to this same idea rise to the surface. This inspiring rising freshman of Furman University has already done so much. And I love it even more because of how he acknowledges the Father's favor in all of the circumstances. In his early high school years, he came up with a plan to better the food in Greenville County Schools, the "Food Revolution." This and his involvement with student council created opportunities to continue to impact the community on greater and deeper levels. A social entrepreneur and brilliant young man, he has had door after door opened to him, not because he has pounded down the doors and forced his entry but simply because he asked; in some cases, because some woman happened to pass by and ask for her picture to be taken in front of a building. With the mind and passion to pursue change, it's clear that he will literally impact the world. But what will prove to be his most successful asset in the whole thing is that he does not have his eyes on the problem that faces society but the individuals that the problem affects. He doesn't just do volunteer work to improve his own hand, but sits and talks and walks a mile in another mans shoes (literally) to understand the folks that are in the middle of the problem and better understand how the problem can be solved. Furthermore, his heart isn't to just reinvent the wheel or to spoon feed the folks the answer, but to make the people the solution. Not enough fresh food in the community - utilize their talents and skill sets to grow the food, train them in how to sell the food and become micro-entrepreneurs. People are always the solution. You can fix up a broken house - new roof, new foundation, new carpet - but if at the end of the day, the people in the homes are still broken, feel invaluable, feel unloved, are living under addiction, etc... the problem wasn't fixed. It just looks prettier. The solution isn't to fix the home, it's to love and value the people enough to say that they are worth being in the solution.

This think-tank, creative collaborative, social entrepreneurial design is not a particularly novel idea. It's on the rise across the country. As the "social justice" movement leaps to the forefront of our generation, so will (and has) this community development and people growth movement. What gives Mr. Riddle's model an upper hand for even greater success lies in the foundation of His model - the Kingdom. It goes beyond seeing people as projects and communities as puzzles; it looks at people as children who are loved and adored by the Good Father and communities as homes and families. It puts LOVE at the center of the model, not justice. And it speaks to the identity and value of folks, not the capital interest from utilizing them. It takes the time to hear their stories and from them, launch people into their dreams. The limitless extent an individual has when they are told who they are and that they have value and that in Abba's love for them they have hope and future (Jer. 29:11), good plans and great dreams over their lives.

The worst thing society can do to a person is to peg them - to give them an identity that is less than they are because of circumstance or the past. As I've discussed previously (This Little Light of Mine), a person is only responsible to the identity they know, and they will operate out of that identity until they are given a new one. And this broken reality of our world surfaced just the night before I met up with Ben.

I had the honor of driving a friend of mine home from FCA on Thursday night. She is a wonderful and beautiful person, who happens to have a disability of sorts. But she is fully functional, kind, loving, joyful, compassionate, etc... That is really who she is. On our drive to her house, I asked her lots of questions. I wanted to hear more of her story. I wanted to know what makes her tick and what sort of things she loved to do. Like most young people, her summer is filled with days of freedom - going outside, watching TV, sitting on the computer. She told me about her family's trip to New Hampshire last week to see family and go to a wedding. She told me about how in a couple of weeks, she was going to get to go to Charleston and how much she looked forward to going shopping with her mom. She lives on a lake. Her family owns the same kind of speed boat that my family used to. She likes to get dressed up. She loves to be around people. She is great. We talked about Jesus and how much He loves her. How she can hear His voice and His desire to talk to her. I learned a lot about her. Then I felt the press to ask her, "What do you want to be when you grow up? What are your dreams?" Her response broke my heart. Because it is not what a young girl dream of; it's what people have probably told her are "realistic" possibilities. Now she did say she wanted to go to college, which is awesome. But her dream job was a hostess at a restaurant. Wait, what? This great girl, amazing person who was made in the image of God and is loved and treasured and adored, has capped her dreams at a hostess. Her value reaches beyond that. Not that being a hostess is any sort of issue. I spent 3.5 years of my life as a hostess, but the dreams can't stop there.

The contrast between the young entrepreneur and beautiful young girl is striking: the one who has been told that he has no limits is living a boundless life of a visionary with the drive to implement huge dreams and the one who has been told that the value mark is only that up to a hostess has dreams that are cap and the potential to go beyond that has ceased because there is no vision to inspire a drive that would reach for the stars. If you look at each individual's story you see a life marked by love. Both are greatly loved and love greatly. Both are going places and meeting people and living this same thing called life. Both have a story. Both have a future. And while one may end up on a magazine cover, and the other only 50 people ever hear, both are worth hearing. Both are worth investing in. Without the one, the other will not grow. The young man cannot change a community and not invest in the people of it. The young girl cannot remove the cap of dreaming and grow and influence her community without somebody to unscrew the cap and cherish her and build her up.

So my dream is to love people. It's to sit with people from all over the place and hear their story. That is my heart for people. That people just like these two would have the chance for their story to be heard and appreciated and told. That a person's story would go beyond what they have done and gets down to who they are. So I love people. I love to love them. I love to learn them. I love to be surrounded by them all the time. I love to build them up and unlock dreams. I love to move beyond what the world sees on paper and get to their heart. Because they are really all about love. And the way they act and are is a reflection of the love they have experienced in their life. Everyone has a story. My dream is to be a story-hearer. My dream is to be a story-facilitator. My dream is to be a storyteller.

What's Your 200 Year Plan?

What a brilliant idea. Legacy. Being a hinge for the next generation. Living each day to move my own life forward in such a way that it may catapult the generations that come after me. I dream of people living in such a way that they will be able to stand on my shoulders where I'm done and go further than I ever was able to.

I got this question from a TED talk given in April 2012 by Raghava KK. He discusses how every few years, he and his wife sit down and create a 200-year plan. They don't write it for others to execute nor for others to judge. They write it to give room to dream without restriction and create for themselves the idea of the future.

I understand that TED talks generally mark technology or business or leadership in this day and age, so the thoughts that this question spun my mind did not wander for very long within the realm of his talk. But it really got me thinking for sure. What would my 200 year plan look like? What can I be doing today that will impact tomorrow, next month, next year, ten years from now, etc...? What does it look like to live in such a way that leaves a real legacy? And perhaps most importantly, am I living in such a way as to steward all of these dreams and desires?

Raghava also discusses the past and the future and how they impact one another, or how we can recreate our past just as we create our future. He discusses the importance of forgetting our pasts in the process of creating our future. This argument is mostly where my opinions diverged from his. Although pasts do not limit the potential of our future, the past is what shapes us and equips us for the future - good or bad. Our pasts are our stories. The future is boundless, but the past cannot simply be forgotten or manipulated.

Yesterday, I was driving back to South Carolina from my family's cottage in Michigan. It's somewhere between an 11 to 12 hour drive. I drive it in one shot and by myself almost every time. Some people cannot conceive how I am able to make that drive on my own, but it is really quite enjoyable. I love people, don't hear me wrong. I am motivated and energized by people. I love to love them. I love to help them. I love to hear their stories. And aside from these 12 hour drives, I am almost always around people. So I take these drives to sing, dance, and think... a lot. Yesterday, as I was driving, I was paying attention to license plates as I always do. It's fun to imagine or guess where folks are coming from and going to. A few states particularly catch my eye all the time - Michigan (where I'm from), Tennessee (where the cars I have driven the last three years are from), and South Carolina (where I live now). So as I drive north and see a Michigan plate, I usually assume that they are also making the treck back to Michigan. And then, of course, as I drive south, if I see a Tennessee plate north of Tennessee I assume that is where they are headed or if I see a South Carolina plate, I assume that is where that car is headed. So I was driving and thinking about this yesterday when it hit me: why do I think that must be where they are going? Here I am, a South Carolina resider (not yet a resident, but soon!) with a Michigan license plate driving back to where I live but nobody by seeing my car would know that, so whose to say that all these other folks do not have similar stories. That's when the metaphor came to me: my license plate shows where I've been (or where I'm from) but it is not a determiner of my destination.

My past does not determine where I could end up in even 6 minutes from now, but it is still my past; it is part of where I have been that has led me to this moment in time. And in that realization is where or how I differ in thought processes from Raghava. I do not wish to forget my past - I did grow up in Michigan, play sports, sing in choir, experienced some crazy life events as a result of my parents' divorce, make incredible friends, get diagnosed with osteoporosis at a young age, go on mission trips, laugh hard, cry hard, get frustrated, excel in school, lose friends, attend the University of Michigan, transfer to Clemson University, have zero dollars, be financially above water, travel around the country, live in a Southern culture family in the North, etc... And those are just bullet points of my life so far. But the good, bad and ugly of my past is still mine. It has formed me to who I am today and given me a heart and passion for people who have been hurt in similar ways or celebrate with people who have accomplished similar things or given me the eyes to dream beyond my current scope because 3 years ago I would have never dreamed to be where I am today.

So what does it look like to dream up a 200 year plan to me? It looks like removing all restrictions of where I've been to be free to be 100% me in the present to grow exponentially for my future. What are some of your 200-year dreams?

(To see a few items I dream of currently visit: http://thechelseawinepress.weebly.com/dreams-and-hopes.html)

When He Says Nothing At All

When He says nothing at all, it doesn't mean He isn't doing anything. When He says nothing at all, it doesn't mean I can't trust Him. When He says nothing at all, it doesn't mean that I am doing something wrong. When He says nothing at all, sometimes, just sometimes, He wants to just listen. Sometimes, He wants me to just listen to what I am saying.

Honesty moment: The season I have been in has been on the brink of incredible. And by brink, I mean, that I am on the edge of something actually happening. Nothing has fallen into place just yet, but it's like when you line up a whole bunch of dominos so that you can knock them all over with the push of just the first one. I feel like that first domino is teetering right now. It's about to just go and go nuts. But in the waiting and the silence and the darkness of not knowing what I am about to encounter or where I am headed, there has been a lot of frustration. It hasn't been attacks on my identity but a lot of asking "Why?" or "What am I doing?" or "Where am I going?" And the answer I keep coming up with is "I don't know." But the thing is, all I keep hearing Abba say is "Just wait."

His response comes with a playfully mischievious grin too. Excited. Joyful. Anticipatory. Like when you have the perfect gift for somebody you really love and are about to unveil it. Like a child who gets a bike on Christmas morning. Let's be real - you can't wrap a bike very well, so it comes with an unveiling - a sheet, a rolling out from behind a piece of furniture or a wall. But it's that moment just before the gift is given that the parents smile at one another and then at the child and say, "You know, I think there is one more present for you. Let me look." They know all along what is coming; they have been planning this moment; and they cannot wait to see the joy pour out of the child - the shrieks, the laughter, the smiles, the boasting about how great it is, the joyful tears in the parents eyes (or those who are older and really touched by a special gift, which is part of what I feel is in store in this gift Abba has for me), etc... So here I am, sitting at the end of a season, unsure of what is next for me. Content but not ecstatic. Waiting. I feel like Abba has just recently (as in beginning of May) looked at me and showed me that He has something for me. So now I am the child in the moments between being told there is something for them and the moment of the unveiling. The anticipation and build up is unbearable. And well, something you may or may not know about me is that I am curious. Really curious. About most things. And another thing about me is that I don't sit still well. At all. As a kid, if we ever sat in the main service with my parents, we would sit as a family in the balcony so as to not distract everyone and because I was endearingly, of course, called a wiggle worm. All the time. Sitting still, not moving, without direction. It isn't something I do well. And in that, my posts have been few and far between because well, if I don't even know really what is going on in my life, what the heck do I have to write about?

The past few days, I have felt a press to write. And each time I have considered it, I have found that where my thoughts end, there are no words for a page. So I have put it off. Today, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me. As I responded that I didn't even know that I had anything to share, the Spirit encouraged, "Just write. The words will come." So that's what I'm doing. The first paragraph of this whole thing came out of the blue. I opened up the page and said, "What do I have to say? You're saying nothing at all." My mind rushed to the Allison Krauss song, "When You Say Nothing At All." So I ran with that train of thought, and voila! That paragraph, which is some of the best truth I have realized over the last couple months little nugget at a time all consolidated into one stream of thought. The picture has just come to me of the child waiting for their most exciting of unveilings. So if for no other reason, this post is for my own understanding - to see the words on the page of the season I am in when prior to this, I just sat in the frustration of having no clue at all. Thankfulness has stayed on my lips. Worship has stayed on my heart. Hunger has stayed in my soul. Obedience has stayed in my actions. Wisdom has stayed in my mind. But frustration has brewed feeling like this season will never end or feeling like I am being forced to sit on my hands, silently, waiting for my turn to talk and to share my story. And let me tell you, I've never been very good at that either. I've gotten better over the years, or at least I have learned coping mechanisms to handle it better. You can ask my mom; she'll confirm how difficult this sort of thing is for me.

In all of this, though, the Lord is faithful and always provides. He dreams better than I do and desires the desires and dreams of my heart more than I do. So who better to trust than the one who not only wants more for me than I do and is the only one who can make it happen. I guess that's all I have to say about that, and I hope that somewhere this could have been encouraging to you. I still declare in the midst of darkness and no direction that He is good. It's in these moments where I learn my own heart more and learn to press into Him more.

"Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

⁸ 

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

⁹ 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

¹⁰ 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

¹¹ 

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

    and the light about me be night,”

¹² 

even the darkness is not dark to you;

    the night is bright as the day,

    for darkness is as light with you."

~ Psalm 139:7-12

I could quote so much more of this. It has continued to wreck me during this season. Each individual verse. It's how much more He knows and does and how good He is. No matter how distant or dark I feel like my life is, He is with me and loving me and healing me and brightening my day. My circumstances are of no difficulty to Him, but He wants me to partner with Him in them and He knows how I need to be loved and encouraged and motivated so much better than I ever will. Gah! He is good. Always. Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday. And for eternity. Hallelujah! Amen.

Still You Know Me

Where to even begin. I have been in a season of the Father's goodness and kindness. The strange thing is that the things He is doing I still don't know for certain - or they are not set in place yet. But I'll be walking or driving or just thinking and in His presence, I find myself overwhelmed by His kindness. It's one of the most unique seasons I've walked in yet. I am overwhelmed by Him - by His goodness, kindness, and faithfulness - and yet, nothing has really, or officially, happened yet. It's just this constant sense of excitement. For a week now, He has been laughing over me. Kind laughter. Excited laughter of someone who has a great surprise for somebody they care deeply about but can't share what it is yet. That is the laughter I hear. And then I'm wrecked again by His fun-loving goodness.


The season has been "dark" in the very literal sense of not really able to see where I am going to take my next step, but trusting Him. The picture I see when I consider it is that of a Father helping His young daughter learn to walk. You know, where the dad stands over the daughter and He holds her hands that are above her head. They walk together. Perfectly in sync. He is guiding and ensuring that she goes where she needs to. Plus because of the proximity and alignment of the two, the Father cannot take the daughter anywhere where she may get hurt because He would also be in danger of the same risk, or He would run into something with His shins, say a coffee table, before she is able to run into it. So it's this perfect and beautiful time of exploring and learning to walk but perfectly safe and protected and ensured that I am headed exactly where I need to be going. It's such a kind time. (I realize that that word may feel overused, but it completely describes what I am feeling.)


I drove back to Michigan over the weekend for some great friend time and exciting things to celebrate - a wedding and a shower. On my way home on Monday, I was listening to The Loft Sessions by Bethel Music. It came to the song "You Know Me," and I was undone. I must have listened to it 5 times in a row in the car, and then have listened to it multiple times in the last 40 hours as well. The lyrics are absolutely incredible. As I am trusting and in a place of complete peace that the Lord is taking me where I need to be and moving and creating a destiny and future that is perfect just for me, the song is my heart cry. The bridge builds- "And nothing is hidden from Your sight, wherever I go you find me. And You know every detail of my life, and You are God, and You don't miss a thing." And then back into "Ohs" that fill in the gap of any other cry of my heart. It's just a lot of fun to think about and rest in. He literally knows me so well and as He leads, He will give me everything I need right when it is time and it will be perfectly fit for me.

Trusting in and believing in and anticipating this incredible season that Abba has been planning for me and is beginning to unfold. It's just beautiful.

Forward Thinking

I like to think. And not about small daily tasks but about big questions. I like to consider conversations that could take place, the what ifs of life, and dream big. Today as I was thinking big thoughts, I considered what I would tell people who may ask me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" As a graduating senior, that presents a big thinking project and some good dreaming. I have a list of things that I hope to see happen in my life over the next five years. Dreams that I want to see come to fruition. But how do I answer that question the most honestly? How do I begin to introduce somebody to my dreaming plans without unraveling a lot more about my past, present and heart far beyond what they wish to hear? How in depth do they really want to know where I see myself? Do I even have the direction to give specific answers of where I could see myself? And the questions go on. So as I pondered this, I came upon this as my five year plan.

I will not be the same person in five years that I am today. I will have more knowledge, more experiences, more compassion, more love, and more life flowing through my veins than I do today. I will continue to be innovative. I will not have stopped growing. I will be more me than I am today as I continue to grow. I will be dreaming of the next ten years beyond that based on how far the last five had gotten me, or even the last moment has gotten me. I will be full of hope. I will be full of love. I will be full of grace and kindness. I will grow more and more into who I am so that I can help others become more themselves better; so that I can love and serve others better; so that I can be the best me that this world needs.  I will be on my way to changing the world. I will not grow complacent in any aspect of my life; I will be continuing to press onward, to grow more and better myself. 

Because, in reality, how many people as they leave college accurately predict their life five years down the road. Now, if highly regulated graduate school or career plans present a structure to follow, an individual may be able to predict better where they will be in their career in five years, but life happens. Everyday, life happens. The small things do not simply pass by unless an individual allows them to. And even still, more than likely some of those "small things" come back around down the line, for the better or worse. They impact your circumstances and can change the course of your life. Life happens every day, and I won't miss today's life out of worry or focus solely on tomorrow's. So perhaps my five year plan sounds vague or sounds like I don't have a plan or sounds like I don't dream, but it is just the opposite. I will not let life pass me by, but will seize moments and opportunities that will further this mission. I dream things bigger than reality or the limits of the mind. I do not constrain my dreams to the realm of practical life, but of a life that will literally change the world. My five year plan is one of dreams coming true and my paradigm of normal constantly changing and growing. "As a man thinks, so he is." Therefore, I think big things. I hope for great things. And I believe that nothing is impossible.

And to Die is Gain

**This is a paper that I wrote for my English senior seminar this semester. It came from a revelation which I had in the class two weeks before I wrote the paper. As I actually cared about my subject, the paper was a lot of fun to write and so, I thought I'd share it with yall. The paper is on John Donne's "Holy Sonnet 14," quoted here for your reference.**

Holy Sonnet 14

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurp'd town to another due,

Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;

Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,

But am betroth'd unto your enemy;

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,

Take me to you, imprison me, for I,

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

And to Die is Gain

Metaphor as a literary device is used to shed light on and understanding of concepts and theories that straightforward words cannot fully capture; it enables the author to paint a more detailed and accessible word picture for the audience. The problem arises in the fact that the metaphor is not the real thing and so, at some point, all metaphors break down. The line of similarity comes to an end and the audience can choose to glare at the differences between the two or embrace the meaning of the picture created, despite its lacking. In John Donne’s “Holy Sonnet 14,” Donne uses sexual allusions to paint the picture of his relationship and zeal for the Lord. It is not a matter of whether the speaker is literally having sex with God, as the simple words on the page may present, but the meaning behind the words that leads to the understanding of this sonnet – to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Michael Foucault presents the argument of how superiors exert power by means of death and sexuality in his book, The History of Sexuality. In a transition of what Foucault calls the symbolics of blood, the power that dominates a person’s life has the power to “foster life or to disallow it to the point of death;” however, Foucault notes that “death is power’s limit, the moment that escapes it; death becomes the most secret aspect of existence, the most ‘private’” (138). Through the transition of power then seeking to mandate life, another shift occurred in history, one from a symbolics of blood to an analytics of sexuality. Under this system, the Church created a mandated discourse on sex through the regulation of confession. Through this discourse, the West became obsessed with knowing “the truth about sex.” In this search for truth, Foucault discusses the Freudian principles of pleasure and the death drives. He concludes, “The Faustian pact, whose temptation has been instilled in us by the deployment of sexuality, is now as follows: to exchange life in its entirety for sex itself, for the truth and the sovereignty of sex. Sex is worth dying for” (156). Amidst this connection to the death drive and the idea of “le petit mort” – the little death, or an orgasm, you literally die to yourself in an orgasm and experience sex for everything it is apart from yourself; you are one with your partner.

            The notion of dying to oneself in order to gain truth, power and life is no novel concept. The apostle Paul writes in Philippians 1:21 “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (ESV). He further explains the concept of dying to self and sin in a spiritual sense in order to gain life and righteousness in Romans 6:11-14 and explains,

So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness” (ESV).

What Paul depicts here is the image of giving your whole self – soul, mind and body – over to the Lord in order to gain life. Full surrender.

            An individual is only meant to die to self once, and in that death, they gain all life through the moment of completely losing self. As presented through Paul, dying to self comes through giving your whole life to Jesus. Once again, the metaphor of marriage given to the Church arises for people to understand relationship with the Lord better. The image of marriage is given in Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (ESV). Through Foucault’s addition of “the little death” in an orgasm, the couple is dying to oneself through sex to be one. This becoming one in marriage and sex is metaphorical for the individual to understand better what it means to die to oneself as called to do in a relationship with the Lord. Fully knowing God is coming to a moment where the individual completely loses himself or herself in the Presence of the Lord. The reason man and woman become one and are married is to help foster the metaphor further through the notion that just as Christ only died once for our sins and we died with Him in that death, we now have life and are not meant to die again. The intention for the Church and for the man and woman is to only die one time. The intention is not to die and resurrect and live life as one desires to die again to another (or even back to Christ). The individual is called to die once to their sin nature and join with Christ one time; man and woman are called to die to one self one time in marriage and become one through “the little death” (of what I argue occurs only in the first orgasm for argument and metaphor’s sake).

            In his sonnet, Donne relates his hunger and zeal for the Lord through sexual metaphor; he desires to draw so near to God that it would be as if they were having sex and becoming one as man and woman do in marriage to become one. He first describes this sexual encounter through a very physical submission to the Lord. He asks for the Lord to be rougher than He has previously and submits himself to God saying, “That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend/ Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new” (Donne 3-4). His words create the illusion of a man being raped by being overthrown and then made to “bend” over to allow God to break and blow and burn him. The man requests to be taken by the subject in an overpowering way and therefore consents to be fully submitted to a strong and potentially orgasmic encounter where the speaker would die to himself or herself. Similarly, man and woman are given to each other in full submission to experience dying to themselves. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul explains the submission of bodies to sexual encounters that is healthy and right for husband and wife so that they may remain both chaste and one. Neither the husband nor the wife has authority over their own body but must submit it to the other. The metaphor Donne creates in lines three and four clearly points to the strongest and most savage of sexual encounters, but the purpose behind the encounter is to die to himself in an attempt to gain more full knowledge of what, or in this case, who, he is experiencing – in a literal reading and as Foucault would explain, it would be the truth about sex; in the metaphorical sense of what Donne is working to achieve, an orgasmic encounter with the Lord would render him deeper into who the Father is through fully submitting and dying to himself.

            Donne continues his metaphor through the thrill of an affair that adds passion and zeal to his pursuit of the Lord. In lines five through ten, Donne illustrates the strain in lovers’ relationships that comes from the inability to give oneself wholly to the other due to a betrothal. The speaker compares himself to a town that has been stolen but is due to another, and so because of his ownership by another, he cannot be fully his lover’s. Once again, it is not in the mind where the speaker must submit alone but in every part of him, because “Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend, / But is captiv’d, and proves weak or untrue” (Donne 5-6). The speaker desires more than to give his mind or give his body but to submit everything to the subject of his poem. He even declares that not only is he betrothed to another, but the one who currently holds claim on him is the subject’s enemy, further complicating and raising the amount of sexual tension between the speaker and the subject. The moments can never happen so long as the speaker is betrothed. In Romans 7, Paul depicts the spiritual tension of believers as they wrestle with their sin nature: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” (Romans 7:19-20, ESV). The struggle of the early Church and the speaker in “Holy Sonnet 14” is one in the same, the wrestling of who they want to belong to and be one with and the force to which they are currently obliged – the sin nature and the enemy, respectively. Sexual and spiritual tensions are brought into a single existence within Donne’s poem so that the audience may more accessibly understand the desire and passion the speaker has towards his love object, seemingly, God. The presentation of sexual tension exists, but the reason it exists within these lines about betrothal and desire works beyond the metaphor in creating a picture that human feelings can more readily understand.

Just after the turn of Donne’s “Holy Sonnet 14,” the speaker blatantly illustrates the metaphor as a sexual encounter. In the turn of the poem, the speaker divorces the power he was previously betrothed to and allows for the last three lines to cry for the long and strongly desired encounter to come. Without being taken as a slave to the subject, the speaker “never shall be free” (Donne 13); therefore, the speaker must be taken fully and submissively captive of God to receive the freedom He offers. Foucault describes how the demand of confession imprisoned society to constantly discuss sex but in doing so, created a freedom for society to discuss and discover the truth about sex. The speaker, likewise, explains that unless he becomes fully imprisoned in his search for freedom through sex, they will never have the freedom that will come through the knowledge of the encounter (Foucault 60). These lines that the metaphor follows come from within Romans 6 as Paul calls the audience to be slaves to righteousness: “But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life” (ESV, Romans 6:22). Line 13 clearly indicates a complete submission of slavery as one succumbs to a sexual encounter and have a little death to self, but with the understanding of why the metaphor is there, the full picture of what Donne is looking to achieve comes to light in dying to self in order to gain eternal life and freedom in the Lord.

It is in the final line of the poem, however, where the fullness of the all three metaphors – the sonnet, man and wife, and dying to Christ – come into collision the best. The speaker of the poem declares that he shall never be chaste unless the subject ravishes, or rapes him, as it has historically meant (Donne 14). The word chaste contains multiple meanings. While in the sexual sense it means sexually or morally untainted; in a spiritual sense chaste means pure and pure of heart. To desire to be pure for the speaker, as a spiritual man, brings the blessing of seeing God (ESV, Mt. 5:8). For the speaker to see God would be the epitome of encounters with the Lord. The marriage metaphor comes back to better explain the strength and understanding of dying to self in an encounter in order to know the truth through pure ravishment in Song of Solomon 4:9 “You have ravished my soul, my sister, my bride; you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace” (KJV). Song of Solomon is a book that is known to demonstrate the pursuit and relationship between Jesus, the bridegroom, and the Church, the bride. The speaker of Song of Solomon demonstrates how ravishment and seeing their love come together in this verse. Through the Beatitudes and the chastity required to see God, alongside the ravishment that occurs through the opening of the speaker’s eyes to their lover, the speaker of “Holy Sonnet 14” makes sense in asking to be ravished by the subject in order that they may be pure. The metaphor of a man pursuing a woman helps a Biblical audience to understand the bride and bridegroom metaphor of the Bible, to better understand the greatest love story ever told through the entire Bible. The metaphor of sex then in the sonnet helps to connect back to the Biblical illustrations provided by marriage, which takes the reader back to the relationship with God that comes only through dying to oneself, just the one time, as the speaker dies with Jesus.

Although there are clearly sexual encounters illustrated within John Donne’s “Holy Sonnet 14,” the sex in itself has no meaning or purpose because it is a metaphor for an encounter with the Lord. Donne uses the metaphor because it opens up the depth to his longing for the Lord in a strength that goes beyond saying, “I want more of you, Lord.” It creates a picture for the audience to use to empathize with just how badly he wants to know the Lord – to know Him in the most intimate of ways. If the question ends in simply if sex is occurring in the poem, then the meaning of the poem is lost unto the audience, and the beauty of really dying to oneself in order to inherit truth and encounter the Lord short changes itself for pure erotica.

Works Cited

Donne, John. "Holy Sonnets: Batter My Heart, Three-person'd God by John Donne : The Poetry Foundation." Poetry Foundation. 2011. Web. 04 Feb. 2012. <http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173362>.

English Standard Bible. LifeChurch.tv. 2011. Electronic Application.

Foucault, Michel, and Robert Hurley. The History of Sexuality. New York: Vintage, 1988. Print.

King James Version. LifeChurch.tv. 2011. Electronic Application.

I've Passed the Point of No Return.

It is incredible to watch and be a part of what the Lord is doing and encountering Him. And that is what is most remarkable - I get to be a part of what He is doing right now. Around City Church, we have been calling and declaring 2012 as the year of testimony. Chad Norris spoke today for the last official Sunday of Crossroad Community Church before everything changes over to City Church next week. As he spoke, Chad discussed how although the Lord can do anything He wants to, He desires to do it with us and will do it through the people who say yes to Him, even if they feel like average Joe's - that's all the Lord has. He spoke about how we have to value courage more than competency because Jesus does. He'll give you a thin window to jump through, and in those moments, it is about taking the jump and going for the window, not about how well you execute it. David had to throw the stones at Goliath; they didn't come streaming from heaven. Likewise, if we want to see and be a part of what the Father is doing, we have to pick up the stones and throw them to take down the Goliaths in our lives. Chad further spoke of how Jesus was not just a good teacher but a demonstrator and said that "the days of proclamation without demonstration are over." The people who put in the work and the time are the ones who have the testimonies. It's not legalism. When you are in love, you want to be with that person all the time and do anything for them. So as you press in, you get more - more revelation, more encounter, more testimonies.

Saying, "Yes, Lord. Here I am. Send me." And then watching what He does with you.

This morning, I sat in church with an awesome testimony of healing or encounter for everyday this week. I could actually say that that has been true for the last two weeks, that I can clearly recall. I asked the Lord about how I could share them, because they only continue to bring Him glory if they are shared and when they are shared, they open the chance for those who hear the testimony to receive it for themselves and encounter the Lord. I struggled with the notion of walking with them and not wanting to just be this person that has something to say all the time, but to share it in a way that reflects simply Isaiah 6:8 and what follows those words. I felt the Lord say that I have this blog that is designed to share that story exactly. It has been purposed for this from the beginning, so I can post the testimonies right here and continue to bring Him His due glory for what He is doing and desires to do here in South Carolina or wherever the Wind may take me down the road. With that then, my posts should be more frequent, depending on my schedule, but will be increasingly more testimonies over simply words that hold meaning but lack some demonstration. My new expectation, as set by precedents of these last few weeks and testimonies I have heard, is to have a testimony at the end of each day - at least one.

This reality will only be possible through time with the Father, living surrendered to Him, and because each day, I have to continue to say, "Yes, Lord. Here I am. Send me." On any given day, I can not say that and then in a correlating fashion not see the testimony. But here I am, out of my cage, never looking back and freely flying. I am passed the point of no return. I will not go through a day without an encounter; it's too late for that. Here I am, Lord. Send me.